As It Seems
by The Dreaming Soul Writer
Summary: After four long years of separation, strife, and change, Finn and Rachel finally return to their roots as they go back to Lima. Can their love manage the ravages of time? Can they accept the changes and secrets in each other...and in themselves? Rated M.
1. Going Home

**Salve! This is a new story of mine which follows after the finale of season three, where Rachel went to New York and Finn went into the military. I have another story but that's currently on hiatus, sorry!**

**I hope you read, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, Fox, Ryan Murphy Productions, So many other things...  
**

01) Going Home

After four years of living in the outstanding city of New York, learning under the greats at NYADA, performing in plays and performances - albeit minor roles - and getting a contract to play Ophelia in the play Hamlet in the upcoming fall, Rachel Berry was going home.

She sat in the generous airplane seat quietly, first class thanks to her fathers, and held onto her knees with a tight clamp. She hadn't returned since that fateful day practically four years prior and that made a small bubble of nerves rumble inside of her stomach. To see her family and all her friends again, or at least the ones that still remained in Lima, made a smile bloom upon her face. She knew that Artie and Puck were still there, the first working as the arts director for the small community of Lima while the latter took over Burt's job at the shop as the older man excelled in politics; something Rachel found slightly humorous as she pictured the slightly crude, but amicable, Burt. And she even heard a rumor from Kurt - who was comfortable in L.A. with Blaine Anderson around his finger - that Quinn was coming home to see her mom and Beth; he also told her Tina and Mike, the newly weds, were home.

Then there would also be her mentor for three long years, the one who always tried to raise her up even when she believed him to be crashing her down: Mr. Schuester, and Miss Pillsbury, who Rachel still couldn't manage to think of as Mrs. Schuester despite the two being married for three years now. She wished that she could have been there for the wedding but with classes, homework, and rehearsals, she couldn't manage to fit it into her schedule, even if it broke her heart to only send them a card with her congratulations.

Though at least she wasn't the only one who didn't show, the best man couldn't come and had to deign his spot to Puck.

The very mention of that person brought another round of emotions and thoughts that have been plaguing her for the last four years but she stomped them down. She didn't need to think of that now, not when it was supposed to be a happy time for her. Though she couldn't help herself from looking down at her left hand, at the silver band that gleamed in the overhead light above. It sparkled warmly of times long past and hopes long gone; the diamond winked at her.

She frowned, fought back tears, and simply turned the diamond around so it was out of sight and resumed her watch of the clouds going past the plane outside the window. Trying not to think of the man who held her heart captive for all her high school years, the man who she hadn't spoken to in four years.

"Rachel!"

The young star grinned, tears exploding in her eyes as she saw the familiar and welcoming sight of her dads waving at her from across the dingy airport, smiles so wide that they looked like they hurt upon their faces. She dropped the handle of her suitcase that she had been strolling along behind her and ran into their arms, the comfort bringing a rush of familial memories and emotions.

She never knew how much she could miss their hugs in New York, even if they always came to visit once a month and on holidays. The comfort they brought was so purely amazing and content that Rachel never wanted to let go but she knew that she had to and did so, reluctantly. Leaning back, she smiled watery at Hiram and Leroy. "Miss me?"

They laughed, Rachel immediately barraged by a multitude of reassurances that she was missed greatly and that everyday was a lifetime without her in the house. It all lead to more hugging and crying, whispered and heartfelt mutters of how much they missed each other under their breaths. Rachel never wanted it to end, to always have that warm feeling of being welcome home and that happy bubble of glee.

"Hey, now! What about me? I know I'm in a wheelchair and all but hell if you think you can just ignore me!" Rachel blinked and whisked around, a grinning Artie rolling up to her with a striding Puck following behind. Artie was dressed in a blazer and dress pants, looking important, while Puck contained himself to a pair of jeans and a leather jacket that morphed to his lean frame. But Rachel barely payed attention to what they wore as she squealed and enclosed them separately in a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Artie, Noah! It's so good to see you guys again, it's been forever!" Rachel exclaimed, beaming at them both. "I'm so honored that you took all this time out of your schedules to greet me! I hope it wasn't too tedious?"

"Of course not-"

"Well," Puck interrupted Artie, silencing him with a couple of abrupt pats on the younger man's head, "seeing that one of us couldn't take the time to visit in four freaking years, we decided to do it." White teeth flashed in a sly grin. "But welcome back, Jewish Princess."

Rachel felt a bit of guilt, but Artie waved a hand at her and swatted Puck with the other. "Don't worry about Puck, he's being his charming self as usual. We're just happy that you're back, even for a little bit."

"How long is that exactly?" Puck asked, dodging the hits easily.

Rachel shook her head at the two's antics - boys always going to be boys. "I'm done with school now and I'm not scheduled for anything until September so, I'm a free bird all summer long! Hopefully it will make up for the last four years which I really am sorry about, guys. It's just New York is so hectic and I knew if I came back here I would just want to stay, especially if-"

She swallowed her last words, almost mentioning the one person whom she didn't want to think about today. Lucky for her, another call came for her and she was greeted with a girl rushing into her, a scream of happiness tearing from her lips. "Rachel!"

"Tina!" Rachel reciprocated the gesture furiously, then leaned back while still in the other girl's arms as they shared friendly grins between them. "You have no idea how much I missed you!"

The Asian woman had tears cascading down her cheeks already, her black hair falling in streams around her face as she laughed happily and shook her head. "Oh, I do! I don't think I missed anyone more out of the original New Directions than I did you."

"Ouch, just throw me to the back and forget about me, huh? Well, should have expected it I guess after all those years swaying in the back and mouthing the words of the songs-"

"Mike!" Rachel cried with a laugh, turning to see the usual silent man come walking up. They shared a hug, Tina crying heartily before them as she waited for her husband to move back so she could get another hug in. She spoke over Tina's shoulder to him, shaking her head. "You're a great singer, Mike. Maybe not as talented as me but good enough."

Pick signed and rolled his eyes. "It seems like our Berry hasn't changed much since we last had to deal with her, still bragging about her prowess."

"Can take a girl out of the city but can't take the girl out of the girl," Rachel winked in response, earning herself a grin from the man. With her friends around her and smiling widely, she felt lighter and more carefree than she did in years. A sense of warmth and belonging crept inside of her, reminding her that glee club was more than a means to an end - they were family.

She looked around the airport but it was mostly empty now except for her party and an elderly couple that were reading a couple of brochures as they waited for their next flight. "Is anyone else here?"

"No," Puck answered. "Quinn is visiting Shelby and Beth at the moment, but she says she she'll be at the party later."

"Party?"

"Well, duh," Puck returned, shaking his head and making Rachel notice for the first time that he was completely Mohawk-less. It was almost unnerving but it made him look more mature, more like the adult he was than the boy who got drunk and hit on every girl who moved that she remembered. "Did you think we would only do _this_ for ya?Party at Breadstix! Artie's treat!"

Artie blinked. "Wait! _Hell no_!"

The group laughed and Hiram and Leroy took a step forward to save Artie. "Don't worry, we'll be handling the bill. But come on, let's not think of that," Leroy said, smiling lovingly at his daughter. "My star is home and we should make the time of it."

"That's right but let's get her settled before everything," Hiram intruded, taking Rachel's bags, and giving everyone a quick look. "Remember - be there at seven, I have pretty much the whole back reserved for us."

Everyone agreed and left with quick waves - Tina getting in a last hug before she took Mike's hand and strolled out. Rachel followed her parents out and to their car that brought another rush of memories, but she forced them away. She didn't need to remember her past now to keep the loneliness away like she did in New York, she was home and with her parents. It was time to make more memories, times that wouldn't leave her curled up in a ball under her sheets and crying for the touch of the one person who pushed her away.

Rachel felt a stab of cold pierce through her bubble and her smile drooped, not even the all-too familiar smell of her dads' car enveloping her as she took a seat in the back could raise it. They continued to chat in the front seats amicably, but they barely noticed in their happiness of their daughter's return that was she was breaking inside. For, deep inside of her, she was disappointed.

Finn wasn't there to greet her, his spot as empty as the vacuum in her heart the moment she saw him disappear as the train left the station. The emptiness that simply would not go away. The ring on her finger burned passionately, reminding her of the first time Finn put it on her as he kept it in tight box close to his warm body; it had been warm then, a metaphor of their love. She looked down eagerly, hoping to see some kind of sign - anything - but her hand was laying in the sun and it was only the heat from that.

Rachel sighed and felt a tear roll down her face, a part of her wishing to be back in New York and still believing that Finn still loved her, to hold tight of that hope, but now it was gone.

"Here we are - home sweet home!" Hiram sang merrily, beaming back at his daughter. The tears were gone in an instant and a smile was on her face as she repeated his words softly and peered over his shoulder and through the window to see the ever-welcoming sight of her house. Nothing had changed, even the small chair that was desperately in need of another paint job still swayed gently in the summer breeze and star-shaped wind chimes still clinked affectionately.

"Home," she whispered to herself, "I'm finally home."

"Go on up to your room, honey," Hiram said warmly, eyes burning bright as he watched his daughter's reaction. "We'll take your stuff up and I bet your exhausted from the plane ride. Don't worry, just go and rest." Leroy smiled and nodded in agreement.

Rachel flicked her gaze between the two of them. "I love you two so much, you have no idea." Then she was rushing out of the car, bounding to the door and through the house to her room; hands clenched into fists at her sides as she tried to contain her excitement from bursting. And then - she was back in her room, sprawled across her familiar bedspread.

The bright pink color of the sheets, the animals stitched colorfully into the edges, the scent of her home wafting all around her, brought a flurry of memories. Singing and dancing in this room; jumping off her bed artfully onto the floor; blaring music of the greats like Madonna and Dion, much to her neighbors' ire; posting videos of herself performing and waiting patiently for a review - at least one that wasn't a crude remark from the Cheerios; dressing up in sleek suit of black leather, hair splayed up, with a shocked Finn sitting on her bed; kissing the dark- haired boy as they melted into the sheets, his weight familiar and right upon her body; the way his eyes blazed with love and lust as he face approached hers for a kiss-

_Enough_!

Rachel shook herself out of her reverie and jumped out of the bed, taking a series of deep breaths to collect herself. She had spent the last four years dreaming of Finn, obsessing over him. But no more, Rachel promised vengefully, not anymore would she cry herself into oblivion, no more would she fall asleep uneasily with his name on her tongue. She wouldn't allow him to affect her so, especially when she was returning home and supposed be glad of all the time she could have with her friends and family before she returned to New York.

She glared down at the ring, mocking her with the love that it used to represent. She would have done everything for Finn, anything to help him excel as an actor and follow her to New York, but he had thrown it away. Tossed it all away as if that last year of no fighting, no arguments, all pure love had been nothing.

Rachel sobbed angrily and grabbed the band, ready to rip it off and throw it away, like Finn had done to her. She was ready to end it all, to not allow it to have another moment of her time wasted with its potent sorrow. All she had to do was take off the ring that she never removed, even when performing on stage or showering.

Instead, however, she just dropped her hand limply and went downstairs to talk with her dads. One hand rubbing the band to make sure that it was always there, it's presence reassuring even if hurtful.

xXx

"Rachel!"

A few hours later, Rachel found herself immersed in a tide of blond hair as Quinn Fabray welcomed her into a tight hug gracefully. The two girls embraced, arms squeezing with all the muster they could afford, as they revered in the moment they had been dying to do for the last four years.

Rachel had happy tears in her eyes as she whispered into her friend's ear. "It's been too long, Quinn."

"We talked on the phone only a week ago," Quinn returned but when she pulled back, there was a knowing look to her eyes that made them sparkle warmly. "But I understand, I understand."

She suddenly straightened, looking proud under the inviting lights of the restaurant, and took Rachel's hand. "Come on, I want to show you someone."

Rachel felt a sudden moment of fear and excitement, wondering if it was Finn, but Quinn lead her down a couple of seats at the long table her parents reserved. There, sitting at the edge, wearing a little, gold skirt, and coloring dutifully with one tongue stuck out in concentration was a brilliant little girl. Her hair was a beautiful blonde, almost exactly the color of Quinn's but a few shades darker, and when she looked up at see them approach, brilliant aquamarine eyes flashed above a sly smile.

Quinn let go of Rachel's hand and placed it gently upon the girl's shoulder affectionately. "Beth, I would like you to say hi to a good friend of mine. Her name is Rachel and she knew you since you were only a baby."

Beth nodded and held out a hand that didn't have a crayon on it. "Hi, Rachel."

"Hello, Beth." Rachel took the hand, trying not to laugh as Beth pumped it with vigor that could have only come with being Puck's child. "It's so nice to see you again. You have grown so much since I seen you last, you could barely walk."

Beth raised her chin proudly. "I'm six now and I can walk all by myself! And I can draw, want to see?" She grabbed the picture and showed it to Rachel without waiting for a response.

It was a picture of four stick people, one smaller than the rest - obviously Beth. To her left and holding her hand was a brown-haired figure with a wide smile that Rachel presumed was Shelby, her own mother. On the other side, a blonde woman and a bald man were holding hands - Quinn and Puck. It was beautiful in a way that only kids could manage and it made Rachel raise her eyes to Quinn, who returned it with a smile.

"It's beautiful, Beth," Rachel said, returning the drawing to the little girl. "I don't think I seen anything more amazing."

"It's only a picture," Beth complained but her cheeks turned cherry with the praise. She perked her head up. "I can draw you one if you want!"

"I would like that, thank you," Rachel grinned as she and Quinn took a couple of steps away from the girl. She reached over and squeezed her friend's hand. "Beth is purely amazing, Quinn. You must be so proud."

"I am, of course, I am," Quinn said, watching her daughter work earnestly at a blank piece of paper.

She chuckled lightly and shook her head. "She is in that drawing phase, you'll probably get a hundred pictures by the end of the night."

"I don't think I would mind in the least..." Rachel said, trailing off before remembering the picture. "So, how are you and Noah doing? I mean...are you -"

"Honestly, I have no idea," Quinn said back in a whisper, the two woman aware that the man in subject was only a couple of feet away but he was engrossed in a speech with Artie about something. "He certainly has grown up a lot and Beth absolutely adores the knucklehead...but I don't know. I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Rachel smiled gingerly, squeezing the palm she still held in her hand. "Sometimes the best of things come from mistakes."

Quinn smiled, glancing once at Beth before meeting Rachel's eye again. "Believe me, I know all about that!"

Rachel and Quinn both shared a laugh before she felt a hand poke her on the shoulder and she turned to see Mr. Schuester, the man's jovial face spread into an endearing smile. He looked her up and down before meeting her eyes again, "It's so good to see you again, Rachel."

"Mr. Schu!" She flung her arms around her mentor's neck and buried her face into his neck. His voice, his gentle smile, everything about him brought a rushing feeling of nostalgia. Each moment of Glee Club, Mr. Schuester was usually there, giving advice and helping in anyway that he saw fit. She owed so much to this man who decided to take that extra step and open the club that helped her to become a better singer, a new person, and to earn the hand of Finn Hudson.

_For a little while anyway_, the thought couldn't help but to pop up even though she slammed it down almost immediately and turned to Mrs. Schuester.

Emma was her usual bright and perky self, only looking more radiant as she held a small bundle in her arms. Rachel immediately felt a warmth in her stomach as she took in the beautiful baby girl that was sleeping peacefully in her mother's arms, a pudgy thumb in her mouth being sucked contently. The resemblance to both of of her parents was astounding, the shock of hair the exact shade of Will's as it fell down a round, warm face that could only belong to the daughter of Emma.

Rachel put a hand to her mouth, holding back her shriek of delight at seeing such a perfect creature, and merely whispered, "She is so beautiful."

Emma beamed, and so did Will as he put an arm around his wife and looked down over her shoulder at his daughter. "Isn't she? Kara Rachel Schuester."

Rachel knew from the many pictures they sent that they had named a part of the little angel in front of her after her, but seeing it all - she finally realized what it meant. There was no other feeling and she had tears brimming in her eyes again, for something that seemed like the hundredth time that day. But she didn't care, she was finally surrounded by her family again and that meant more to her than she ever thought possible.

Even if a small piece was missing like a gaping hole.

A waitress came around, looking bored as she took out a writing pad and poised a pencil above it. "So, what can I get you all?"

The group all quickly sat down, a few - like Puck - just waved at her with a wink and said, "The usual, babe." Rachel couldn't help but to snigger at the glare Quinn gave him as Beth said the same thing. He only shrugged and gave an innocent smile, flashing his daughter a secretive look of pride. While others took the time to actually read the menu, despite most just ordering the same thing they usually did.

Rachel, even though she hadn't eaten at Breadstix in at least four years, still knew what she always ordered. As the waitresses turned to her and asked what Rachel wanted, she opened her mouth but -

"She'll take the Bottomless Salad Bowl."

Rachel's world dropped, her head whisking around in an instant at the voice. A voice that she wanted to hear for four long years, a voice that whispered promises in her dreams. The same voice that said he would love her forever.

Finn stood before her, looking different but the same. His hair was cut shorter, making him look older and at the same time, younger. His build, always athletic, was now rippling with muscle and his clothes - a grey t-shirt and green slacks - seemed tight upon his body. His face was thinner but the features were all the same, the crooked grin, the birthmarks that dotted his mandible, the unforgettable cinnamon eyes.

He looked her right into the eyes and said softly, "Hey, Rachel."

**Reviews? Liked it? Hated it? Hope you enjoyed!**


	2. Going to Her

**Salve! I just wanted to say thank you to all those who reviewed! I got ten! That is like the most I have ever gotten on a chapter before so THANK YOU! It really means a lot to me! I hope you keep reading, reviewing, and, most importantly, enjoying!**

**Also, pretty much everything I know about the military could fill up an index card...one side. I'm learning as much as I can from a friend but if something is wrong, either point it out to me or just shake your head at me and call me a moron, and hopefully keep reading! :) Okay, I'm shutting up now - enjoy!  
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02) Going To Her

After four years of being screamed at, learning the countless drills and techniques of the military, seeing the horrors and pains that he experienced, Finn Hudson was going to her.

The bus bounced and hopped against the unruly streets of Lima, Ohio; the ride silent as he was the only one remaining upon it. He was still dressed in his usual military garb, the clothes a familiar presence he acquired over the years. Even though there were times, like now as he watched - noticing everything - his hometown pass by, that he just wished to throw it all off and return to pair of comfortable jeans and a grey and blue sweatshirt that fit him perfectly. But he couldn't, the uniform the only thing that held him together.

_Screams. Blood. Tears. The pain._

Finn shook his head, fighting away the nightmares that plagued him even in the middle of the day while he was awake. He didn't need to think of that, especially since the one thing that he held onto for four years, the one thing that kept him alive, was so close. A grin managed to grace his face for the first time that day.

Rachel Berry.

The very thought of her, the beautiful face, the small body, the bright eyes, the luscious lips - it made him feel uncomfortably warm, though he didn't even fidget to make himself more reasonable. The strict orders of the military were engraved into him more than he thought possible, his posture straight and formal even in the old, faded seats of the bus. But he payed it no mind, his thoughts returning to the person that kept him sane.

He wanted to see her again so much, his body was aching with the restrained temptation not to burst out of the bus and go find her. Her voice, sweet and loving, echoed in his head but he craved to hear it aloud again. To run his large hands down her back and feel her body against his, to taste the sweetness of her lips and softness against his mouth. To hold her hand in his, brushing a large thumb against the back of her dainty hand, and feeling the connection that was between them ever since they first kissed in that drab school auditorium.

God, he just wanted to be with her again.

Tonight, he told himself firmly, trying to appease the swirling anxiety that tore at his stomach. Tonight will be the night that everything is returned to normal. The nightmares would stop, the loneliness that sometimes crushed his heart at night and made breathing difficult would appease itself, the wait would finally be over.

It almost made him seem that everything was worth it.

Almost.

The bus stopped in front of Finn's parents' house, nodding his head respectfully to the driver for going out of his way. He was returned with a slight incline of the man's hat and a slight salute, the gesture falling awkwardly upon the young man. It was made out of respect but Finn wasn't sure why. Learning to kill, learning to take orders no matter the issue, learning to handle the brutality and horror that he never knew was possible, learning -

Finn realized he had stopped in the middle of the steps to the street below, staring at the pavement transfixed as memories rushed upon him.

"You okay, son?" The bus driver asked, leaning over at him. There was only concern in his eyes and a knowing look, as if he had seen the same many times. Finn could only look at him, nod his head jerkily, and walk purposefully off the bus. With his bag held firmly in hand, he allowed the vehicle to drive off before raising his head to look at his old home.

It hadn't changed, not at all since he last visited it last year before he was departed to Africa. Finn thought he would be relieved by the sight of the familiarity but it only made him feel irrationally angry. His whole world had changed, been devastated, and there was absolutely nothing different in little Lima, Ohio. They knew nothing about the horrors that kept him awake up at night, the darkness that stared back at him blankly whenever he looked into it.

He envied them so much.

Finn stepped steadily to his house, the building as silent as the streets that welcomed him with only the slight touch of wind. He knew that it would be so, actually choosing this time to be dropped off for a reason and without his mom or Burt knowing. He didn't want them to see the broken person he was now, not at the moment anyway. All he wanted to do was absorb his old life as much as possible without interference, to ingest it and try to act like his old self.

Finn smiled without humor; he didn't believe it would be so simply even though he prayed it could be.

Finding the extra key under the same rock it was always under, Finn entered the house. The rush of his old life smacked him abruptly in the face, the smell of Burt's cologne and his mother's cooking still apparent in the air. His controlled strides were slow as he absorbed it all in, though touching nothing as he kept his one hand at the side and the other holding his bag. The couches, the end tables, the tv, the sport magazines, the paintings his mom thought adorable but he creepy - they were all there. They belonged there as much as Burt and Carol did, but he did not.

This home belonged to the boy that sang his heart out in Chicago to win Nationals for his Glee club; that ruined his chances in New York by kissing the girl he loved; the one who dressed up in a curtain to prove that he was different; the guy that stood up to the norms of high school, flipped them off, and became the person he wanted to be, not who was expected.

It didn't belong to the man with blood on his hands.

Not even realizing it, he was standing in the doorway of his room. Everything was the same as he left it, except for a picture frame that was on his bed now instead of his bedside table. He smiled slightly as he picked it up; the picture of his mom and him laughing at his graduation, pride apparent on both of their faces. His mother must have looked at it when she was dusting, not knowing that her son was going to be home so soon.

That very thought made him want to crumble down and cry. His mother was expecting that boy, not Finn. Would she be able to tell? Of course she would, Finn reasoned an instant later, she was his mother - she always knew.

Instead, he placed his bag gently upon his bed, opened a couple of drawers, and began the process of unpacking. It was enough to keep his mind centered and busy, preoccupied with getting everything sorted and neat. His clothes were crisp and perfect, not even a wrinkle in the material. He made sure of it, his discipline taking over unconsciously.

When he was done, it had only take him seven minutes.

The darkness loomed in front of him.

Finn immediately went to his desk and opened the drawer, greeted by a disarray of pencils and pens that he had thrown recklessly in there after he was done with high school and cleaning out his backpack. With a mental note to arrange everything later, he grabbed the thing he was looking for - his cellphone. Without a thought, he turned it on and called the number of the second person that came to mind.

"_Finn_?"

Finn almost laughed aloud in joy, the familiar voice spreading through him like a reassuring wave. It had been way too damn long since he last heard it.

"Yeah, it's me." Finn finally managed, one hand rising to his head and scratching slightly as he grinned goofy. "How is it going, Noah?"

There was a shocked silence on the other line, then - "_What the fuck do you mean_? When the hell did you get back - why didn't you freakin' tell me before that you were coming home, dude? I would have meet with you! You son of a - wait, _did you just call me_ Noah?"

Finn blinked, thinking back. "Yes, I suppose I did."

"You suppose you did? It's Puck, _Finnessa_, and don't you fuckin' forget it. God, it's bad enough that I have to hear it from Berry, let alone you."

Finn almost dropped the phone as his hands suddenly burst with sweat. His mouth dry, he had to swallow a couple of times before managing to ask, "Rachel? So...she is home?"

"Yea, her dads have been making a huge deal of it for about a month now," answered Puck smoothly. "I would have thought the Big Apple would have changed her - nope, still the same self-centered princess she always was." Puck stopped for a moment. "She's the reason you came back, you came back for Rachel, didn't you?"

"I left for Rachel, I am back because I am done with the military," Finn returned, sounding somewhat harsher than he wanted. "I served my time, I did what was expected of me. And Rachel did what was expected of her."

"Expected of you? Of her? Hell, what those military thugs do to you? Whatever, man." Finn could almost picture Puck shaking his head in disapproval. "There's a party for her at Breadstix, tonight, seven. Be there...she'll be glad to see you. I know she didn't say anything, because that's just Berry - show no weakness - but I could tell she was disappointed you weren't there to meet her."

Rachel's face appeared in his mind, her eyes wide and sad with tears as she turned her head frantically around the airport. Looking for him, but only finding nothing. It broke his heart and he felt like sobbing aloud but his face was emotionless, not even a flicker of what he showed inside. "I'll be there." His promise even sounded void of all life, only stern determination.

"Cool," Puck said, then an awkward silence fell between the two. Something that Finn could only remember happening once in his friendship with Puck and that was after the whole Quinn scene. "Hey, man, I gotta go. Catch up over CoD tonight?"

"It's a plan." Finn agreed, though he felt hallow at the promise. "Bye, Puck."

"See ya later, man."

The other line went dead.

Finn stood in his room, phone clutched tightly in his hand which he lowered to his side. He was looking at his drum set but his mind was far away, centered upon one girl. Rachel Berry. She was so close that he could almost smell the sweet fragrance of her perfume, tantalizing him with its fruitiness.

He was going to see Rachel.

After four years, he was going to see Rachel.

Finn was about to jump into the bathroom, to get ready to meet with her that night; mind rushing with all the possibilities, body pumping with adrenaline, smile flashing with brilliance, Finn needed to see his fiance of four long years.

But something stopped him - a video game case. It was his battered edition of Call of Duty. He played it so much with all his friends and online that the cover barely even clasped anymore. Picking it up, it flapped open and revealed the weathered disc. It was his favorite game, playing it when the sun set and still playing it when the sky began to lighten, eyes blurry with fatigue but always continuing to play. He had so much fun with it, always impressing those around him with his high scores.

But that was before it became his life.

Picking the disc up in his hand, Finn snapped it into halves.

xXx

Finn arrived at Breadstix a few minutes after seven, forgetting that his truck was in storage at Burt's Shop. With not enough time to head there and get to the restaurant, he simply walked to the place directly from his house. The quick path there was familiar and as he strode with even steps, he absorbed all the sights around him. The same houses with faded siding and yellowing grass under the potent spring sun peered lazily back at him, most of them silent but a couple of kids were hanging around in their garages. He kept his head down, meeting no one's gaze and hoping that he wouldn't be recognized.

There would be a time for that, Finn tried to tell himself, but not now. He had to see Rachel - no, he needed to see her. She had been his everything in senior year, but, as he approached the restaurant, she was so much more. She was the person he wanted to be, that shining star that fell upon people and enlightened theirs lives, to make them feel the irrepressible urge to do better, to burn as bright as she does.

He didn't want to be the person to end their lives, to make them feel the unparalleled fear of death that shone in their eyes like fever before they passed.

Finn swallowed forcefully, stopping to lean his tall form on the outside of Breadstix. His breathing was heavy, coming in gasps that he seemed unable to control and make even; his body shaking like he was about to throw up. The sidewalk swerved and twisted before his vision and darkness was creeping up to take him but he clung to the wall and waited it out. It would pass, it always did...

Eventually his form settled, his eyes stopped spinning, and his breathing went to its usual respirations a minute. His legs still felt weak but he ignored that and put it to the back of his mind, trying to force himself back together. It took him at least a good thirty minutes to return to normal usually but he was late already and he didn't have that kind of time to waste.

So grabbing onto his resolve and fast-fading determination as nerves slammed into him like no football player ever could have, he entered Breadstix.

The smells wafted around him like a sea as he walked silently in, Finn imagining it parting around him like water. It was appetizing and slightly disgusting as the smell of burning cheese could be detected under everything but most inhabitants of Lima choose to ignore that, as did Finn now. He peered around the restaurant, his height coming to his advantage as his eyes took in a complete sweep of it in one quick glance.

He spotted Rachel immediately.

Her back was to him as she sat at one of the larger tables in the restaurant, people all around her but he didn't take the time to look at them. His attention was solely focused upon the girl that captured his heart so long ago. Her head was angling up to the waitress as the older lady had just asked what she wanted.

Finn, without even realizing it, took a step forward, the answer coming immediately to his tongue as he ordered for her so many times that Rachel used to never even bother trying to beat him to it.

"She'll take the Bottomless Salad Bowl."

Aware the everyone turned to look at him, even the waitress, he paid them no heed as Rachel turned to face him slowly. Her wide chocolate eyes enveloped him, swallowing him whole in their brightness and intensity. A burning feeling exploded in his chest and roaring filled his ears as his body rushed with adrenaline and emotion, but he contained it to a mere smile and a soft greeting, instead of picking her up in his arms and kissing her right there.

"Hey, Rachel."

Their eyes never left each other as Finn heard the scrapping of chairs and felt arms fly around his neck as someone hugged them, Quinn? Tina? He couldn't tell as his heart gave an ache when Rachel didn't get up and welcome him as most of the table was doing. He saw Rachel hold out her hands for the baby in Mrs. Schuester's hands, much to Emma's surprise, before the girl hugging him pulled back and exclaimed loudly, "Finn! It's amazing to see you. I didn't even realize you were coming home."

Looking down, he saw that it was Tina. She was practically the same ball of sunrise, dressed in the dark of night and as warm as day, but her face seemed to glow even brighter and her brown eyes sparkled amicably. He tried to say something, to return the hug but nothing came to mind and his arms hung limply at his sides.

Luckily Puck came to his rescue, clamping a hand on his friend's shoulder and squeezing heartily. "What's up, man? Been too freakin' long, and you have been as distant as Berry - never hear from ya." He peered into Finn's face, expression of somewhat disgust, and Finn had the uncanny feeling that Puck could read the horror he went through in his features, the things he had done that bloodied his hands. His mouth went dry and he had the sudden urge to run, to escape all the eyes on him.

However, his friend's face split into a smile as he snorted. "I can't believe it but I think you gotten even uglier, didn't think it was possible. Nice hair, man." His body relaxed slightly, making him feel relieved.

"At least I have hair," Finn returned consciously, used to the banter that was between them. He flicked his gaze up to Puck's bald head and arched an eyebrow. Puck grinned but said nothing.

"Finn." A soft voice came at his elbow and he looked only because he didn't want to look back at the table, to see Rachel not looking at him but focusing all her attention upon the baby in her arms. Trying to stifle the potent disappointment and worry that was tearing through him, he took in his ex-girlfriend, Quinn.

She was still beautiful, her hair long and sleek as it fell perfectly down her back. Her face was paler than what it used to be but her smile was still small and delicate and blue eyes as luminous as ever. She didn't give him a hug, as a little girl was clutching onto her arm as she craned her head back to take in Finn's tall height. It took Finn a second to realize that the little girl was Beth, recognizing features of both Quinn and Puck in the child.

"Wow, she's beautiful," Finn muttered and Beth grinned, ducking her head behind her mother and giggling.

"Keep telling her that and she'll end up like me," Quinn warned but the praise made her cheeks blush pridefully. "Come on, Beth, say hi to Finn, he's another good friend of mine."

Beth stuck her head out again and held out a hand up to him. He was about to take it when he saw his own hand.

_It was covered in blood._

He flinched back forcefully, stifling a scream as he realized a second later that his hands were perfectly fine and there wasn't a trace of red on them but everyone noticed his reaction. Beth looked at him like he was some kind of weirdo, and then glanced at her hand to see if there was something offensive there. Quinn was giving him a disapproving look and an unasked question was burning in her eyes.

"Sorry." His mind fumbled for an excuse but he couldn't find anything so he merely turned to face the Schuesters, not looking at Rachel as he didn't want to see her expression to what had just occurred. Will was looking at him with concern while Emma's face was scrunched with thought, her wide-eyed gaze taking everything in. Finn remembered that she was counselor and a feeling of dread was evokedi n him, but then reminded himself that she was only a _guidance counselor_, not a psychiatrist or anything.

But he didn't like the look she was giving him, so knowing...

"Finn," Will broke the silence, laughing suddenly as he clamped his former student on the arm. "It's good to have you back. We practically have the original New Directions back in town, maybe we could get together and sing some old tunes?"

"Sounds cool," said Finn, "but I...I don't sing anymore."

The only sound was the clattering of utensils from other customers and the harsh din of a heavy silence.

**Ugh, it's really difficult to write from Finn's POV without spilling the whole story! I kinda butchered it up, but hope you all enjoyed! Rachel's thoughts are coming up next chapter! Hope you're all well and for those lucky fathers out there - Happy Father's Day!**

**Vale,  
Dreamy!  
**


	3. Love and War

**Salvete! Another chapter, another angst-filled ride!**

03) Love And War

Rachel could barely breath, her head swimming as she tried to absorb everything of the man she hadn't seen in four years in only a few moments. On closer inspection - and when he wasn't looking directly into her eyes, capturing her gaze as easily as a fly in a trap - she saw that his skin was darker than ever before, even when he went to that football camp the summer before their senior year. His face, though still benign, was guarded, no expression really showing upon his gentle features, which was odd for Finn as Rachel could always read him so easily.

Now it was like looking at a statue, revealing nothing besides what the sculptor wanted to show.

Rachel felt a sudden ache inside her chest, stalling her desire to stand up, wrap her arms around his neck, and lose herself in Finn. She wanted to, the need practically burning and eating away at her insides, but she kept herself seated as the table erupted around her and people sprang up to greet him. Embarrassment flushed her cheeks as she realized his own fiance couldn't greet him and she lunged at the first excuse she could get: Mrs. Schuester.

"Here, I'll take Kara," Rachel insisted immediately, holding out her hands for the sleeping baby.

Emma looked completely bewildered and she threw a quick look at Finn but he was being hugged by Tina. "But, Rachel, that's _Finn_. Don't you want to say-"

"Please, just not right now," begged Rachel, and Emma gently handed over the baby. Her eyes were wide and sympathizing, like they always were, but Rachel could detect a burning question in them. _Why are you doing this_?

Rachel held the baby to her chest, sweeping her long hair so it curtained over her and Kara's face. The tiny, beautiful girl in her arms slept on, soft breathing warm on Rachel's face but she barely paid any attention to it; her mind a twirl of thoughts and doubts.

Why was she doing this? Why wasn't she jumping up to greet her future husband and catching upon all the love that they missed out in four years? Why wasn't she crying tears of joy as he was back and healthy, that the wait was finally over? She didn't have to cry at night anymore, wanting and worrying over Finn; he was home. He was back with her and that should be enough to rule out everything, all the bad and agonizing times without him at her side.

Yet Rachel couldn't, for despite all the love and affection she had for the broad-chested man, a small part of her was furious at Finn. What right did he have now to come back and swoop into her life again after he sent her to New York without even consulting her first, without asking about her feelings? His last words ringing with the love he felt for her, his kiss exploiting the sorrow of their parting, his eyes burning with the emotions he was feeling, and the classic scene of him running after the train, burned in her brain like a candle as she had walked onto the train. At that moment, Rachel thought they could make the long distance relationship work but he never returned her calls, nor her letters. She sent them almost everyday for a year to his base, but no reply was ever given and she stopped all together.

She remembered the fear she felt the first time the thought of him being dead wormed her way into her mind, poisoning her thoughts as she kept picturing him lying in a ditch. Blood splattered upon his face, a gun barely out of his reach, and his face morphed into a mask of pain and the grotesque picture of death. The image made her so deathly sick and hollow she couldn't leave her room for days, staring blankly at the ceiling. Rachel told herself repeatedly that he wasn't dead, he couldn't be. He was _her_ Finn, the boy she loved with every fiber of her being and craved as much as seeing her name in lights, he simply couldn't be dead. She would've known deep inside of her, a snap would have broken and an anguish like no other soon after.

Though, the fear remained until the day she couldn't bear it anymore and called Finn's mother. Carole's voice sounded natural over the phone and Rachel knew before she even asked the question that Finn wasn't dead. Rachel hung up before she said anything, unable to bear a conversation with anyone as another realization burrowed inside of her mind, the impact crushing even all the way to her heart. It left her gasping for breath and tears fell down her cheeks in rivers, body aching with pain and loneliness.

Finn was ignoring her, pushing her aside as if she was nothing to him. That all of Glee, the kisses, the laughter and jokes shared, the whispered promises of love they told each other as they held each other close, the passion, the connection between them, the palpable intensity in their eyes when they shared a glance, meant nothing - _she meant nothing_.

Rachel wanted to cry as she gently weaved her arms back and forth, cradling Kara as she slept on. She envied the innocence in the girl's demeanor, the clean expression that revealed nothing except the beauty of sleep and the gentleness of a child's dreams. Kara knew naught about the pains life would bring to her, the tornado of emotions that she would eventually be succumbed to, the pains, the betrayals.

The love.

_No_. No, Rachel reprimanded herself and leaned straight in her chair, the tears threatening to cloud her view banished in a second. She flipped her hair out of her face, set her shoulders straight and whisked the sad thoughts from her head. She was Rachel Berry, a young starling on her way to fame and fortune as she plowed through the meager jobs and off-Broadway shows to the center stage. Strong and determined, she would let no one bring her down. Not even Finn, and especially not on the first day she was home in four years. This was for _her_, she was doing it so she could catch up with times past and friends gone before she took that final hurtle to the top.

And damn it! She was going to enjoy it, even if that meant pushing Finn aside to do it.

Rachel swiveled her attention back to Finn and those assembled. He was talking with Quinn, a certain blankness upon his face as he smiled without meaning. There was an emptiness to the way he spoke, as if he did it out of necessity rather than want. His posture was still and straight, which again was something odd for Finn - he always seemed to be fidgeting or drumming a tattoo against his leg with his fingers or _something. _She guessed that it had something to do with his training but it was just another thing to separate them, another difference that she couldn't help but to notice.

Finn finally moved his hand, but it was only in response to Beth raising her own in greeting. It was almost comical to see the difference in their sizes and heights but what Rachel saw next tore the very laughter out of her throat.

Finn stumbled back, almost tripping to the ground as his face ripped open with surprise and utmost fear. She never seen such an expression before on his face, the utter horror that made a shiver run down Rachel's own spine. The countenance so potent and deep, but maybe that was only because of the stark contrast between it and the indifference once upon Finn's face.

As quickly as it came however, it was gone. The mask was up an instant and the statue reclaimed her fiance, the stone untouchable as before. Though Rachel couldn't tear the image of his face out of her mind, the horror and terror burning in the depths of his cinnamon eyes. She wanted to run up to him and hug, to tell him that there was nothing to fear, he was among friends and loved ones. But she didn't and remained sitting, holding Kara to her chest, and studied Finn's expression as he turned away from Quinn and Beth, a fumbled apology in response to his sudden change in behavior.

Mr. Schuester, sensing the sudden tension forming between the party, took a hasty step forward and embraced Finn with a clap on the shoulder. His laugh eased the silence and as he spoke, Rachel could see the attempt to push the incident away from them. Though a question burned in him as much as it burned in everyone else, wondering what that incident had been all about.

"It's good to have you back. We practically have the original New Directions back in town, maybe we could get together and sing some old tunes?"

Finn looked like he wanted to smile but he only gestured with a small shake of his head. "Sounds cool, but I...I don't sing anymore."

Rachel's eyes snapped wide, her breath caught in her throat. Like a wave, a rush of memories of Finn and her singing erupted in her head. They sang with happiness on their faces and burning in their eyes, harmonized sadly as they thought about all that was lost between them and what they used to be, and they performed with love and meaning as they danced on the stage to win nationals. Their relationship had been based upon singing, molded and enforced by it. It was the hammer that beat and curved Rachel's affections and obsessions with Finn into love, pure and unrelenting love.

And Finn didn't even believe in singing anymore...

"Excuse me," the waitress interrupted crossly, her expression revealing what she thought about being ignored and sent to the back. "I'm sorry to break in here but can I get your order so I can take it back? I have customers waiting."

Finn looked almost relieved from the silence that was threatening to smother them all, and immediately nodded his head. "I'll take the spaghetti and a water, please."

Rachel's eyebrows shot up in surprise. _Water? _Finn barely drank anything that wasn't a shade of brown or black, and if it smelled a little like alcohol, the better. It wasn't like he was an alcoholic or Puck, but _water_.

The waitress scribbled down his order, threw her pad and pen back into a pouch, and forced a smile upon her face. "Okay, I'll have your drinks out for you guys in a second."

As she walked away, a switch turned on in everyone as they realized they were still standing. They all took a seat and Rachel half-hoped half-feared that Finn would sit across from her, or next to her, and was feeling mixed emotions when he took the seat directly opposite from her. Their eyes meet as he did, chocolate upon cinnamon, and Rachel felt the pull inside of her stomach that demanded she reach out and kiss him, no matter if there was a table in her way or not. For, despite all the anger inside of her, she still loved him as much as she did that day almost four years ago.

His gaze warmed for the first time since she seen him, the color flaring with emotion and animating the statue. He smiled slightly, an ugly caricature of what it used to be but a smile nonetheless.

"Hi, Rachel," Finn repeated. His voice was blank but wary, as if he was afraid of what she was going to say in return. A thousand things jumped to mind but she kept herself contained and cool, nonchalant.

"Hello, Finn. It's...it's good to see you again," Rachel managed, an ache forming in her throat. An awkward barrier was between the two of them, a force so tangible that it made even Rachel unsure of what to say exactly. And for the life of her, she couldn't remove her eyes from his. They were the same even if they didn't share the same warmth like they use to, but they still remained the eyes of the boy she'd fallen in love with forever. "You...you look good."

Finn didn't respond, actually he appeared like he hadn't heard a word she said. His eyes were flashing across her face, looking at everything with rapt attention as if it was the first time he seen her. An open admiration was on his face, making her blush, which broke him out of his reverie.

"You look beautiful." The truth and conviction in his words startled her, sounding so sure about himself. There was absolutely no doubt in his voice, or a trail of teasing. He meant it.

Her face felt like it was on fire now, her blush unable to be controlled any longer despite her training as a performer. She broke their connection of the eyes and looked down, realizing for a moment she had forgotten about the baby in her arms. Glad for the distraction, Rachel raised the sleeping child so Finn could see her. "Did you meet Kara yet? She looks so much like Ms. Pillsbury - I mean, Mrs. Schuester. I don't think I'll ever get used to calling her by that, so attuned to her being Ms. Pillsbury already. Do you want to hold her?"

"No!" Finn answered immediately, a spark of fear flaring in his gaze once before dwindling away behind the emptiness. Rachel felt another stab into her heart at his reaction, not understanding what happened to the boy she loved so much. The man ahead of her sighed and drooped his shoulders, looking apologetic. "I'm sorry, I mean - no, thank you. My hands are so rough and callused, I don't want to hurt her." He swallowed forcibly, then glanced back into her eyes anxiously. "I heard they named her after you, Kara Rachel."

"Yes, they did..." Rachel said, trailing off as her thoughts raced together. Realization and pain followed soon after, as she raised her eyebrows at him. A dangerous arch. "Oh, so it appears as if you do get some mail then. I mean, I thought you know after not responding to any of mine for a year that it wasn't allowed but I just see you only read those that were _important_ to you."

"Yes, I mean, let me explain-"

"You had four years to do that, I think you had bountiful time to explain yourself if you wanted to," Rachel interrupted him coolly and without another word, turned her attention away from Finn and to Emma, who sat at her side. The counselor had been watching the interaction between them with her large doe eyes, but she said nothing as Rachel meet her eyes and held out Kara to her. "Thank you for allowing me to hold her, she is such a darling."

"I know, she reminds me so much of Will," Emma admitted, the baby fitting perfectly into her arms as if she was made just for her. The older woman's eyes blazed with such potent love and affection as she regarded her child, it made Rachel's heart give a pang. Kara stirred slightly but only popped her mouth once before lulling back to a deep sleep. The two woman shared a quiet smile.

"Finn, it's good to see you again." Her Dad's voice tore Rachel's attention away to see both her parents leaning over to speak with Finn, who had fallen to stare at his place-mat when Rachel turned away from him. Rachel appeared to be paying excessive attention to her water that the waitress just dropped off as she eavesdropped on the three most important men in her life. "When did you get back?"

"Earlier today, sirs," Finn's voice was firm and respectful, answering to a commanding officer more than speaking to her dads. "I was hoping to surprise my Mom and Burt but they didn't seem to be home."

"No, I'm sorry to say that they won't be home for at least a week," Daddy said, looking disappointed for Finn. "They went to L.A. to visit Kurt and Blaine there. You should call them and say you're home, let them have something to look forward to."

"Will do," Finn nodded. "Thank you for telling me, sirs."

Her Dad looked like he was about to say something, but a sudden squeal interrupted his words. The whole table swiveled their heads to see what was the problem, but it was only Tina standing up and looking excited. Her face was flush, looking radiant, as one hand was clutched tightly around Mike's. He too was looking happy, but his eyes were upon his wife and they shone brighter than she did. Grins were on both of their faces.

"We were going to wait until later to tell you guys but seeing as Finn is here and it's so good to be here with you all again," Tina started, her words going a mile a minute. "We decided that now would be as good a time as any." She bite her lip as if trying to contain her excitement, then she laughed and admitted: "I'm pregnant!"

The table erupted again in a chorus of cheers and people jumping up to greet the lucky couple, but Rachel couldn't. She was happy for Tina and Mike, the perfect couple that never seemed to be apart or fight, but a part of her was jealous. A raw sense of wanting and demanding forming in the pit of her stomach as Mike scooped up his wife and kissed her fully upon the mouth, her arms going around his neck perfectly. Envious, Rachel wondered if she and Finn could have been them if they hadn't been torn apart, if he hadn't gone into the military and left her to trek to New York alone.

The restaurant suddenly felt very hot and before Rachel knew it, she was striding out of it and into the cool evening air. She knew that it was terribly rude to leave Mike and Tina without congratulating them and also for making an exit on her _own_ party but she just couldn't be in there anymore. Being so close to Finn and trying to keep it all together was more difficult than she ever presumed, her promise to herself earlier breaking like her heart as she wrapped her arms around her chest and made for home, not feeling very hungry anymore.

Rachel closed her eyes partly and leaned back, welcoming the slight wind against her flushed skin. She couldn't remember the last time when she just took a walk to clear her head and without rushing off somewhere else. No meetings, no practices, no classes, no urgent phone calls - just walking. It felt good and she never thought she would ever admit this to herself, but a small part of her was glad she was home.

"You really shouldn't walk with your eyes closed, you might get hurt."

Rachel's eyes snapped open and she turned her head, recognizing the voice immediately. She whipped around and was startled to find herself right on Finn's broad chest, her palms resting lightly upon the firm pectoral muscles. Her hands itched to run them all over his body but she swallowed and brought her self-control back into check, taking a step away from him as she did. Her eyes sought out his face, hoping to see the old Finn again but it was the same blank expression that was there before.

"Don't tell me what to do you," Rachel reprimanded, glaring at him openly now as she crossed her arms again. "You lost that right a long time ago when you sent me off to New York without even talking to me about it."

"I did it for you, Rachel. I didn't want you to be stuck here in Lima for a whole year just because of me, because I was too stupid to get into a college," Finn returned, his voice empty. It almost sounded like he rehearsed it to himself over and over.

It only made her feel angrier.

"_Did it for me? _For me? You got to be kidding me, Finn!" Rachel yelled, throwing her hair back from her face as it fell into her eyes. "If you really wanted to do something for me you could have stayed! You could've been with me, not prancing around the world trying to get yourself killed. Did you even think how I would feel when you were gone, how lonely I was when I had to enter New York by myself?"

"Of course I did," said Finn hotly, finally showing a flash of emotion. "I knew that it was going to be hard for both of us but it had to happen. You're a star, Rachel, and I couldn't let me dim your brightness. If that meant I had to be apart from you for awhile, then I would do it. You deserve so much and I wasn't going to allow myself to get in the way of that."

"No," Rachel interjected, now walking up to him boldly and poking him in the chest hard. She could feel her eyes burning with the anger inside of her chest, roaring to free itself. "No, you failed there. You got in the way every single day you weren't there. All the time, every single day for four years, I thought about you. I worried where you were, if you were safe, if you were well. I tried to throw myself into my classes, to absorb everything I could that would make me a better performer and to _not think_ about you. But it was like trying to stop the city from making noise - it just doesn't happen. It was impossible, and people noticed.

"My instructors saw the talent I had but I just couldn't perform anyone or anything that was optimistic. How could I smile when my fiance wasn't even returning my letters and calls? So, they pushed me into playing the sad, pathetic roles! I was Sarah in _J.B._, I played as Jocasta in _Oedipus Rex_, and now I'm going to role as Ophelia in _Hamlet_. I don't want to play those, I want to be Annie, Mary Poppins, Nala! Don't you dare say that you weren't in the way!"

Finn was silent, staring at her openly as his eyes flicked over her face and to the single tangle of hair that fell into her face again. With a simply gesture, his hand rose and tucked it tightly behind her ear. The gesture was so familiar, so Finn, that Rachel felt her anger fade but she didn't want to, she yearned to be furious at him. She needed to make him understand the emptiness, the hallow feeling, that she experienced for four years while they were apart.

Her eyes filled up with volatile tears and she was suddenly hitting him in the chest now, her hand aching with each punch but she paid it no attention. "Why didn't you respond to my messages, why did you leave me without a word, Finn. I sent you a letter for every day of that first year we were apart, _every - fucking -_ _day._ I spilled my heart into those, begging and pleading that you would at least respond once. I wouldn't have cared if you told me you never wanted to see me again, that you didn't love me. I just wanted to hear from you. I thought..._I thought you were dead_."

Rachel tore herself away from Finn and took a few steps away, crying openly now as raw pain racked her spine and made her sob. Bowing her head, she tried to stop them but it was pointless; they kept coming. She remembered the numbness she felt whenever she thought of him being dead, the stupid image coming to her mind once again.

A hand fell softly upon her shoulder, squeezing softly. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I never meant for you to worry."

"It seems like you never meant a lot of things, Finn - like that you loved me." Rachel hit his hand away, her voice cracking as she spoke through tears. "_Don't touch me_."

His hands only came back despite her words and she found herself turning around, his face leaning in close to hers. Rachel was startled to find tears in his own eyes. Though it wasn't for himself that he cried, it was for her. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to distract you, I didn't want you to worry about me. I always loved you, every single day I loved you and I still do. You're everything to me, Rachel. _I love you!_"

Rachel wanted to scream and be angry, to hit him more and tell him that words were not good enough. Though she couldn't, her ire fading as quickly as it came. All she felt now was a deep sadness, an ache that made her want to fall into his arms and forget everything. "Stop calling me that."

"Calling you what -_ Rachel_?"

"You always used to call me 'Rach,'" Rachel muttered back, leaning her head forward so it rested upon his chest. The warmth of his body radiated into her own, and his scent drifted around her. She forgotten how good it felt to be next to him, to have his hands on her and to be so close to him she could feel his breathing, a gentle rhythm that settled her nerves and made her feel content. She hadn't felt this way in four years, and she couldn't get enough of it.

Finn wrapped his arms around her body and she could feel him kiss her hair softly, muttering softly as he did. "I love you, Rach."

"And I love you."

**Hold onto your hats, folks! Next chapter is going to be a little bit more spicy!**

**Valete,  
Dreamy  
**


	4. A Brief Crack

**Salvete! Wow, I'm amazed at how many reviews I got last chapter! Keep it up, I'm loving every single one! I apologize for the wait, it's certainly been a busy week as I got a new job and meet with a college - going on for my masters! Excited!  
**

**Disclaimer: Though it hurts me to say this, I do not own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy Productions/Anything of importance  
**

4) A Brief Crack

Rachel's hands never left Finn's neck as she wrapped them tightly around him and pressed her mouth against his. The way his mouth melded to her own, the taste of his hot breath, the feel of his tongue against hers, she couldn't get enough. Four years of wanting and needing dropped away as she was finally returned to Finn, his hands trailing down her back to her waist; his fingers kneading her skin slightly and leaving her nerves burning for more. They eventually went to her thighs and the bare skin that flashed there, his rough palms gentle as he grasped her and lifted her up.

Rachel laughed, tearing away from his mouth for a moment as she tied her legs around his waist. Their eyes meet again, pupils dilated, the emptiness completely gone now as passion and lust shone like a fever. His face was flushed red and he was gasping slightly, she could feel his chest rising and falling against her own. Lower, her body reciprocated fiercely as she felt the heat from his sex; tempting her, taunting her with desire as fire ravaged her body in shivers.

Finn's mouth curved slightly into a wicked smirk and growled, "You're the sexiest woman I've ever known."

"I know," Rachel returned, and meet his smirk with one of her own; kissing him fiercely. A moan escaped past their contact of lips and Rachel dug her hands into his back, deepening the intensity. Raw love shot through her system as everything Finn came crashing down upon her. The way his hands glided over her skin, the moans that escaped his mouth as he tried to control his passion, the scent of him drifting around her and engulfing her senses, it was all Finn.

Finn was back, and she _needed_ him.

"Finn," She murmured through their kisses, digging her hands into his broad back as she attempted to contain the tension and intensity from exploding from her body. "Finn...I need you - _now_."

Finn didn't respond, only nodded his head jerkily and she felt them moving. She broke apart from his face and glanced around to see that he was carrying her, heading to where she assumed was his house. Laughing, she meet his face and saw him smiling. It almost tore her heart, it was so open and without a trace of the stone-cold emptiness - it _was_ Finn's smile.

"Allow me," Finn said, not even looking uncomfortable as he strode through the streets of Lima. A few people stared at the couple but Rachel and Finn didn't even give them a first glance. Too absorbed in Finn, Rachel could barely remember her own name.

"So chivalrous," Rachel muttered and cupped his face in her hands, leaning back slightly but not enough to make Finn drop her, her legs still tight around his waist and his hands still firm upon her thighs. She remembered the first time she explained to him what the word 'chivalrous' meant, when her dreams of him were only that - _dreams._ So much had changed in those years, for the good, for the bad, but there would always be Finn, the best thing in her life. "I love you."

"I know," Finn repeated, grinning, and earning himself a smile from the girl around his waist. She lowered her mouth and recaptured his lips, biting playfully at one with her front teeth. Another moan came from his throat, and she trailed away from his lips - much to Finn's disappointment - to the firm angle of his jaw, her lips and tongue everywhere she could reach. The slight stubble tickled her delicate skin but she paid it no mind, fully centered upon the taste of Finn Hudson. She trailed away to his chin before going lower and finding a soft expanse of his neck, her hands holding her steady upon his broad shoulders and loving the feel of his muscles under her palms. It made her itch to feel his skin whole, no barrier in the way as the thin material of his shirt felt like a thick sweatshirt.

"Rach," panted Finn, his voice sounding faint but his strides never faltering. "If you keep doing that I don't think I"ll be able to manage to get to..." He couldn't finish the rest as Rachel smiled fully and returned her mouth to his lips, tasting the sweet delicacy of her fiance's mouth. Finn's presence slammed into her like a hammer again, and she wished she could spend the next four years in this exact moment. Never leaving the security of his arms or the softness of his firm lips, she wouldn't dream of anyone else she rather be with besides Finn.

What felt like only seconds but had to be a decent amount of time, Finn, balancing a laughing Rachel and keys, was trying to get the right key into the lock. Rachel probably should have let go but she didn't, her arms as tight as ever around his neck. He didn't appear to mind, Rachel thought, as he was grinning to her, his cinnamon eyes never leaving Rachel's, and trying to scramble for purchase with the slot. Finally, they were in and Finn slammed the door shut with his foot, dropping the keys onto the floor without a care, and then his hands were upon Rachel again.

"Hell, I missed you," Finn muttered under his breath as one hand held her by her ass to him, while the other slipped under the hem of her shirt and brushed the skin upon her back, his touch hot and warm. His breath tingled her as he lowered his head and pressed his mouth to her neck, Rachel feeling his tongue lick delicately at the hollow of her throat. She shivered, her body sending waves of pleasure throughout her core and she couldn't contain it anymore, she needed Finn. Not just his presence or the musky scent of him, _she needed him_.

"Bedroom," Rachel panted, her hand leaving his shoulder, sliding down his shirt and the compact muscles underneath, to rest upon his manhood. She practically could feel the heat of it through his pants and with the tip of her finger, rubbed it gently. Finn tensed, his body stiffing and another moan evoking from his throat. "_Now_."

"Yes, ma'am." Finn hurried to his bedroom with Rachel wrapped around his waist, tension escalating in her as their sexes brushed which each step he took. Bounding into his room, they fell upon the bed. She reluctantly let go of him as he stood and with a simple gesture threw off his shirt, exposing his broad chest. She paused for a moment to stare in obvious appreciation and amazement. Finn had never been very skinny or fat (despite Santana Lopez's unheeded opinion) but never was he _this_ muscled. His body emanated strength and Rachel sat up to press a hand to his chest, feeling his heart beat erratically and his chest rising and falling as he breathed heavily. Rachel looked up to his face and meet his gaze, his eyes alight with passion.

Finn's grinned crookedly. "Your turn." She bit back a laugh but lifted her own shirt off, revealing her bra. Finn glanced to her chest, one hand rising hesitatingly to her breast. Almost too soft for Rachel to bear, he caressed her through the thin material, his thumb gently rubbing against the tip. Her nipples hardened and she arched herself into his touch, giving him complete control, while she went to her back and flicked off the straps. The bra fell to the floor, forgotten, as Rachel reclined back into Finn's bed at his slight push, him following suit.

His broad body was upon her chest, holding her down, but not crushing her as he held himself up with one hand; the other still massaging her boob. Finn's eyes returned to her face, the bright color warm and flushed with his excitement. Before Rachel knew it, Finn's hand moved away and his mouth captured her nipple. A breath escaped her at the sudden flash of warmth and she grabbed at Finn's back, hands kneading into the muscled flesh. Nipping at the tips of her breasts, Finn's hands drifted lower and lower until they rested on the edge of her skirts.

Recognizing the nonverbal indication, Rachel moved her hands away and Finn raised himself. She immediately took of her skirt and panties,while Finn dropped his clothes to the floor. Completely bare before each other, only the flush of excitement and sex aroused their cheeks and obvious wanting was reflected in their gazes. Never allowing his eyes to stray, Finn moved forward and placed himself on top of Rachel, one hand placed on each side of her head. A connection born in their high school years flashed invisibly between them, a tangible force of belonging and content that Rachel never felt with anyone else before except for Finn.

As Finn entered her, his length and girth familiar to her, all she knew was that feeling of emptiness she felt for the past four years was filled. Her arms returned around his neck, drawing his panted breath to mix with hers as he set the rhythm. Her body matched his thrusts, the waves of pleasure escalating and building inside of her petite frame. It had been too long since she last slept with Finn, since she had done anything like this and the rush of build-up struck her sooner then she imagined it to.

She felt Finn stiffen above her and his hands snarled into the sheets around her face, but never did he move his gaze away from her eyes. Lust, arousal, and love flared like beacons inside his cinnamon eyes, capturing her whole and entrapping her with its intensity. He suddenly stopped with the motions and she felt his orgasm, her body reciprocating in the same way. Their gasps mingled, combining as one as their hot and sweaty bodies molded to each other. Finn, after a moment, kissed her gently and whispered softly, "I love you, Rach."

"And I love you, Finn."

* * *

_The air was warm, suffocating and pressing like another layer of clothing to his skin, but the scent of rain drifted on the wind and foretelling of another night of showers that would send the temperature drooping. Of course, he thought glumly, it wouldn't improve his temper as he shifted his feet. The ground was a thick layer of mud due to last night's storm and his boots stuck indignantly to the earth, not wanting to let go. He contained his sigh of exasperation and pulled harder, reminded forcibly of the football games he played in the rain and wind and how difficult it was to even keep moving, let alone picking up your feet from the ground._

_He wondered how he did it as he practically stumbled and landed on his ass trying to get one mud-caked boot up from the marshy land. Maybe it was the fact that he never stopped moving, always shifting from foot to foot and being prepared for whatever plan they were going to act. Or, he continued his thoughts as he tried the other boot, was it the adrenaline rushing through his vessels as the crowd screamed and cheered. In his mind, he could almost hear the sound vibrating in his football helmet and making the ground shake with the stomping of feet and instruments as the band flared.  
_

_Or was it the sound of one voice rising up all the others, a voice that made his heart swell and a goofy smile come across his face. A melodious and sweet voice, ripe with talent and awesomeness, that could make a tall guy like himself tremble with its potency. A grinning beautiful face popped into his head, olive skin shinning warmly as chocolate eyes sparkled with admiration and pride. A large nose gave character to her demeanor but only heightened the slimness of her sexy mouth and captivating eyes, not defying her in any way; dark hair cascading down the side of her face and laying gently below her shoulders, the tips curling toward him. Her mouth parted-  
_

_He didn't allow his mind to go further and snapped back to his present situation, trying to still the sudden sadness that clogged his throat and made him want to break down and cry. Terrible longing filled his gut but he pushed it aside and focused back onto his boot. It was easier to place all his attention upon the problem at hand then in the past and, hopefully, in the future as an image of the same girl flooded back to him. Tears were sparkling like diamonds in her brown eyes and they cascaded silently down upon her cheeks, looking pale as she looked back through the train's window to watch him. Her gaze had looked so torn and agonized, he couldn't help but to have tried to run after her, to change his mind but it was already too late. She was gone, whisking away from him, and he was left with his decision and the repercussions._

_"Fuck," he swore to himself. "Get a grip. You know you would do it again if you had to." There was doubt in his voice, showing that he wasn't as sure about his own words as he thought or wanted to believe. With extra force, he pulled his leg out and toppled over, arms spinning like a Ferris Wheel to try and keep his balance but he only feel faster towards the ground.  
_

_Suddenly, two hands grabbed him ruffly and put him back on his feet. After a moment to blink his world back into focus and not a tumbling picture of brown, green, and bluish-gray, he looked back to see a dark-skinned man wearing a robe-type garment, which he thought was called a kanzu or something, holding him steady. Behind the man, a soldier stomped forward while laughing. "Hey, Lurch. Havin' difficulties?"  
_

_He blushed, nodding a thanks to the man who kept him from falling, before glaring at the soldier. "Shut up, you try standing in the same spot, in the mud, for a couple of hours and see if your boots don't get cemented to the ground." He eyed the soldier. "What are you doing here anyway, Nelson, don't you have the next shift. Shouldn't you be sleeping? Or talking to your family, they probably-"  
_

_"Shut up, seriously. Has anyone ever told you that you like to ramble?" Nelson asked, raising an eyebrow. He decided not to answer. The other soldier grinned, obviously thinking that he won the contest. "I was sleeping if it makes you happy, but I have news. We're heading out apparently. Someone ordered it up far above on the food chain because this place is growing too quiet. We leave in the morning."  
_

_He blinked, and glanced around the small village. It wasn't fancy or anything, far below the standards of his own hometown, but over the past couple of weeks, he and his fellow comrades had been working together to build more small houses that may have seemed crude to him but were everything to the people of Malda. It had been relatively low to nothing on the scale of activity but he liked it that way. No one dying, no having to defend for their lives - it made it almost seem as if he wasn't in the middle of a war. The news brought it all rushing back and he sighed, it was good while it lasted.  
_

_"Earth to Lurch? You in there, bud?" asked Nelson, waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. The black-skinned man looked warily at the two soldiers, probably deciding if they were nuts or full-scale crazy. He grinned at them before pushing Nelson's hand down.  
_

_"Yeah, sorry, I was thinking."  
_

_"Don't think too hard, I know you have difficulties enough. Like not able to walk without completely biffin' it."  
_

_He gave him a look of dark despair. "I should've never told you they used to call me 'Lurch' in high school."  
_

_Nelson laughed. "Hell no, you shouldn't have!" He nudged his friend again. "Oh, come on. It's not that bad. If you want, I'll let you sing and dance about it in the fields. 'Course," - Nelson lowered his voice so the other man wouldn't hear even though he was pretty sure the other man present didn't know how to speak English - "they'll probably think you're doing some crazy rain dance and jump in along beside you."  
_

_"You're such a dick, Nel," he muttered back. "I'm surprised they haven't killed you yet."  
_

_He shook his head as his friend tensed, a hand going to his chest and eyes going wide in shock. "Nice act, but you seriously are being too over-dramatic, and I mean-"  
_

_Then he saw the blood issuing from his friend's chest, turning his uniform a ruddy brown and collapsed at his feet._

* * *

Rachel shot up as a scream tore her back into reality, trying to arrange her sleep-befuddled mind quickly. She barely had time to focus when she felt the bed move and Finn jumped out of it. She glanced drowsily at him, wondering if he had heard the shout too but was zapped to awake when she saw his expression. Sweat covered his entire form and she could see his limbs shaking, eyes wide and fearful as his gaze flashed all across the room. Pale, he appeared as if he was going to throw up.

"Finn? Are you okay?" Rachel asked immediately, making Finn jump and turn to her. She was stunned to see one hand turn into a fist while the other was held in front of him in defense. A sickening feeling dropped into her stomach as she realized Finn was prepared to fight her, like she was the antagonist in a book. The moment their eyes meet, however, the fear dropped away and was replaced by something even more frightening to Rachel.

The cold and impenetrable wall of stone.

"Fine, go back to sleep." The passion and love in his voice that was there the night prior was gone, only a bleakness, a cold and empty tone as if he was nothing more than an automated voice. It was like a wound in Rachel's side and she felt tears bloom in her eyes, not understanding. He looked away and stared at the clock, it showed it was around five in the morning in bright, glowing numbers. "I'm sorry I woke you."

"Finn, tell me what's wrong?" Rachel begged, trying to get out of bed but the sheets were wrapped tightly around her. She remembered the first night she and Finn slept together and waking to him laughing, saying she was a total blanket-hog. There had been warmth and mirth in his eyes then but now they were empty and eerily vacant, like a locked door. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"I said I was fine!" Finn snapped at her, his eyes flashing with anger as they flared back to her which made Rachel recoil in surprise and, even though she didn't want to admit it, slight fear. He instantly relaxed at the sight and turned away again, his back to her as he paused in the doorway. "I'm sorry. I'll be right back."

"Wait -" Rachel started but he was already gone, disappearing into the shadows of his house as she finally got herself out of the sheets. She sat on the edge of the bed, clad only in a bra and her panties, and hugged her arms to her petite frame. Trying to keep herself from crying and running after Finn to demand the answers out of him (which she suspected would do nothing but make him more distance), she could only feel a rush of disappoint. She had begun to hope Finn was over whatever was bothering him, that being reunited together they would close the gap between them. Now, she wasn't sure what was having him so troubled and what was causing him to be so freaked out.

Could something have happened while he was off doing whatever? Rachel realized hollowly that she hadn't even asked him a single thing about the Army or where he had been. Finally having him back in her life, all she could think about was _being _back with him. She forgot to even be mad at him for totally ignoring her for four years. Her body longed for him as much as she wanted to know what was his problem. Worse, a new thought entered her head, how big of an event could make him not tell her about it? Didn't he once say that he felt like could tell her about anything, could be open and honest with her?

Rachel dropped her head into her hands, hopeless and unsure, she didn't have a clue what to do next.

Soft footsteps came up to her and she reclined her head up again to see Finn warily, wondering what he was going to do next. Meeting his eyes almost reluctantly, she saw the emptiness was back and nothing flashed inside the cinnamon orbs. A pang ached inside of her chest. He was still naked except for a pair of boxers but she couldn't retract her attention away from his gaze, hoping she would see something in the depths or some expression would come across his face but it was as moveable as granite.

"Here," he said gruffly, and held out his hand. She blinked to see a glass of water was being offered to her, no ice in it like she preferred. Not really knowing what to do, she took it. "I know you get thirsty when you're sad." He swallowed and looked away in what she would've assumed was being uncomfortable, except nothing passed his chiseled features.

"I'm going to take a shower, I'll be out in five minutes."

Rachel didn't comment, only staring at the glass of water in her hands blankly. The gesture was too compassionate and kind to come from the nonchalant person in front of her, not understanding, she returned her attention back to Finn. The man before her was grabbing new clothing from his drawers, his actions mechanical and purposeful. She could only watch him silently, biting her lip slightly as she felt like grabbing him and shaking her old Finn back to her.

Only when he was heading towards the bathroom did she finally perk up and asked, "Do you want me to join you?"

Finn froze, looking back at her over his shoulder as he turned on the bathroom light, making it stream into Finn's bedroom. Something flashed in his eyes but she couldn't decipher what it was and hope spurted inside of her for a moment.

"I'll be right out, just give me five minutes." He then shut the door, the light draining out of the room like the hope inside her body.

**I hope you continue reading, reviewing, and, most importantly, enjoying! **

**Hope everything is** **well,**  
**~Dreamy**


	5. Unraveling

**Salvete, welcome back! I hope you're all ready for another chapter because I know I am! Just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews, they really make me feel special and motivated to write! **

**Disclaimer: Me no own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy Productions/Basically anything cool...**

5) Unraveling

_Finn's insides felt numb and his body strangely distant as he crumpled to his knees, ignoring the muddy ground and the cold, drenching feeling seeping through his pants. His eyes immediately zeroed in upon the handle protruding from his friend's back. Blood was welling through the soldier's garments as if they were merely as thin as paper, and he did the only thing he could think of: he pressed his gloved hands onto the wound, trying to think clearly while his mind could only focus upon the blood. So much blood..._

Finn shut the bathroom door with a loud snap, trying to keep his breathing neutral as vision after vision flashed by his eyes. The familiar sight of the shower wavered before him, his products still there from the last time he used it which was almost two years ago when he got that short break before being ordered off. Before he learned the true horrors of war, people, and life. His stomach rolled and he fell to his knees, hands clenching into fists around a furry rag.

_Screams and the loud explosions of gunshots tore the air but he was only aware of Nelson. He didn_'_t move despite Finn's pleas to get up, that they were going to die if they didn't get up and take cover. Something cloyingly sweet and metallic hit his nostrils but he paid it no mind, nudging the shoulder of the still man._

_It was only then did Nelson's head move slightly in the mud, one-half caked with grime. Finn reeled back at the sight, pressing a hand to his mouth as he tried not to scream. A round and large eye was visible, the pupil tiny in a flood of white. Fear was forever frozen upon it, staring directly at Finn with the eternalness of death. The disturbing smell grew more dominant and he pulled back his hand, the dark leather covered in blood and mud. _

_It was the smell of blood, Finn realized sickeningly, the smell of death._

Finn sobbed aloud, the sound luckily muffled against the fluffy rug to prevent Rachel from hearing it.

Rachel.

Finn's shaking form slowly began to relax, his clenched muscles unwinding one by one as he centered his mind upon Rachel. Her smiling face, the open and seductive allure to her gaze; the soft touch of her hands against his muscles, gently gliding over them as if trying to commit them to memory; the delicate taste of her lips pressed against his, the moans escaping through her mouth as he made love to her the night before. Remembering the blissful and extravagant feeling of content by simply being with her, knowing she loved him, he managed to push the memories away and struggled to his feet.

Gripping the edge of the sink for support, Finn wearily raised his eyes to the mirror and met his own reflection. Flicking over the same dark hair - cropped short but already beginning to show signs of growing back - and the same small nose and mouth, he reluctantly peered into his eyes. The once rich and deep gaze was empty, life ripped out of them by the horrors he witnessed; the destruction of life and innocence.

And it was all by your own choice, a snide and cruel part of his mind muttered darkly. You willingly stepped inside hell upon earth, all for the girl you love, the girl you are leaving wounded outside this bathroom door by keeping her away. Her heart is breaking at your coldness and all you can do is stare in a mirror and think how much you fucked up your own life.

"I'm doing it for her," Finn whispered in return, trying to look away but he was captivated by the empty depths. He felt like they were going to grasp him and pull him in, drowning him in the emotionless waters. "I'm doing everything for her, for Rachel. To save her innocence as I already have lost mine."

The shallow gaze only blinked at him slowly, its nonchalance boring into him like daggers and making his stomach churn uncomfortably and twist into knots; he tore himself away from the mirror. Stumbling to the shower, he turned it on quickly then turned and dry-heaved into the toilet, the acrid taste of bile flooding his mouth but nothing came out of his empty stomach. He could barely remember the last time he ate as he tried to spit out the taste, his mouth painfully dry.

Body trembling, Finn took off his boxers and slipped into the running shower. The water was cold, striking his skin like ice, but he barely felt it as he crumpled to the floor. The thundering rush of water on his head sounding like a flurry of gunshots, and he threw his hands to his ears with a small cry but it continued to echo in his head. The sound, the water drenching every part of his body, the cold; they all reminded him forcibly of that day, the day his whole world changed.

_Blood stained his gloves, mud caked his leggings, tears streamed down his face, but Finn cared little as he continued to stare at the dead man before him. He would never move again, never smile and give a loud guffaw as he always did when he made a lame joke, or ever hold the child his wife had given birth to while he was away. Nelson would never know the joy of being a father or have the right to a long life; he was dead._

Finn lunged wildly for his shampoo but overreaching, he knocked it to the floor of the shower. The top popped off from the impact, brown gel spraying from it and scenting the air with the smell of Axe.

_All he could smell was blood and the overpowering taste of earth; the smell of rain gone despite it coming down in sprinkles now. _

Trying to stand, Finn grasped the bar with washcloths layering it - throwing mostly all of them to the floor - and heaved himself up with the shampoo bottle in one hand. He attempted to rid his mind of the memories but they flooded into him like the rain pouring onto him from above.

_Rain_? No, he told himself sharply, it was only the shower. He wasn't back there, he didn't have to fear dying every single day, no longer had to worry about going to sleep and fearing he wouldn't awake in the morning. He was safe, in Lima, in his home, with Rachel.

The thought of her and his home brought an instant reaction. His racing thoughts calmed, his legs finally strengthened to hold his weight, the memories whisked away into the dark, shadowed parts of his mind, and his breathing - once shallow and rapid - returned to the regular respirations. For a moment, Finn felt completely normal and like his old self, a smile tugging at his jawline. It was a blissful rush of nostalgia, remembering the beauty and simplicity of his old life. Where the only worries were the problems of life, not the difficulties of death and war.

That simple thought brought back the horribly day in awful clarity, the scene unfolding before his very eyes and making the shower disappear, but he grounded his teeth and forced it away. It was in the past, Finn told himself, it was in the past and it's over. Forget it and continue on, think about your dreams of the future now and not the nightmares of the past.

Chanting the words in his head as a constant reminder, he focused upon the shower and his normal routine. Washing the meager and short hair upon his head, he tried to relax and enjoy the water like he used to but his movements were quick and mechanical, efficient and to the point. There was no point in wasting water and time, the thought booming in his head like his old drill sergeant's voice use to, except lacking the two to three swear words usually invoked.

Barely after entering the shower, Finn turned off the water. The bathroom, once filled with the constant beating of water against the walls of the shower, was eerily quiet. Simply pushing the glass door aside seemed like a scream to him. Screams of people dying, calling for their loved ones who they knew might not answer back, the shrieks of finding them - he had to grip the edges of the door painfully tight to force the memories away and keep his stomach from rolling again.

Quickly drying off and putting on his clothes - a dull grey shirt and dark green sweats - Finn stepped out into his still-dark bedroom with tight anticipation of what he was going to see. Was Rachel going to still be there? Would she be angry? Sad? Hateful?

To his surprise, Rachel was seated behind his drum set, dressed only in one of his old shirts that draped her like a robe. A delicate smile was on her face, though, her eyes were set on the clock. "You're right on time," Rachel mused playfully, her gaze flashing in his direction. "Five minutes to the second, impressive."

Finn, relieved, only shook his head and threw his dirty clothes into a hamper. "Not really, I'm just so used to being on a schedule I can't stop it." Aware the conversation was looming upon a topic he didn't want to embark on, he abruptly changed it. "Do you want to get something to eat? We kinda missed your big party yesterday."

"In a minute, I'm still waking up," Rachel murmured, and, rising up with his shirt following around her like a robe, came up to him. Finn looked into her beautiful chocolate eyes, trying to discern anything that would show any hate or negative emotions toward him. He saw nothing but admiration reflecting in the gleaming gaze. Frozen, she leaned up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you, Finn. You know that right?"

"Of course," answered Finn, confused but none of it reflecting in his flat voice. "I love you too."

Rachel was silent for a moment, regarding him with a strange intensity which made Finn wonder if Rachel was actually putting on all she was feeling or if she was hiding behind a mask of love, like his own facade of stone. Then, she smiled suddenly and pulled away from him. "I missed you, Finn. I missed everything about you, from your kisses to your smile to the way you make me feel to the skill you show with the drums. I was hoping you...you would play something for me."

Finn felt his insides stiffen as he glanced warily at the drums, the sight bringing back a rush of nostalgia. The first time he learned to play, how he beat out his frustrations and emotions, the thousands of times he attempted to try and teach Rachel to play; he remembered them all. And that was why he couldn't play.

"Maybe later, you really need to eat something..." Finn trailed off as Rachel didn't seem to be listening to him anymore. She returned to her spot behind the drums and raised her eyes to meet his.

"How many times did you play the drums for me while I sang, for the whole gang?" Rachel asked but the question seemed more directed towards herself than Finn. "'Borderline / Open Your Heart,' 'Go Your Own Way,' 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart,' so many others. The way you played sent shivers down and up my spine, the sight mesmerizing if not somewhat hot." Her lips curled up seductively. "You are so talented, Finn, and it would be stupendous if you could play something again, for me, right now."

"Rachel..." Finn muttered, his stomach sinking as he exchanged his gaze between her and the drum set. "We should really get something to-"

"One song, Finn," Rachel interrupted, her voice like a sharp razor. With a finger, she beat playfully upon one drum and the sound reverberated through the room. It ripped through Finn and sent his nerves tingling but not in the ways it used to.

_The echoing shots tore through the sky made Finn finally look up from his deceased friend, the body unnervingly still and silent. The man who had accompanied Nelson was gone, nowhere to be seen. The small village was situated in a perfect ring of trees, their tall canopies lending shade on the hottest of days but now, they only held the terror in the shadows. In the distant, a ringing drum beat was grinding against his nerves as it mixed with the screams, the shrieks, the gunshots._

"Stop," Finn said, his voice breaking through the hazy memory as he glared at Rachel, arms stiff at his side, hands clenched into fists.

"Please, one song? Only one."

Rachel hit another drum.

_A large bash interrupted the smaller series of drum beats, and they all fell silent. Finn unconsciously froze, his body waiting tensely for something to happen. The screams seemed to dim in his ears, limbs numb as he kneeled in the cold mud, an ache crawling through his body._

_Then the shadows parted from their forest beds, crazed screams gurgling from their throats as they shot into the village. One, a tiny form, was coming directly for Finn._

Rachel broke him away this time, her finger tapping against the drum.

"Stop! Stop!" Finn broke and striding towards Rachel, grabbed her by the arm and pulled her away from the drumnset. His room was shifting, his bed and dresser replaced by bodies and small shacks, the bathroom door and pictures on the walls now ascending trees. The morning shadows dwelling in the corners, rippled around him, reaching and crawling towards him and Rachel.

"Finn," Rachel whined at his side. "You're hurting me, I'm sorry-"

Finn watched in horror as the shadows paused, their rolling black masses twirling in place, then thin tendrils began to extend towards Rachel. Hands, black with grime and blood, appeared, ready to take away everything good from Finn's life. His innocence, his dreams, now, his Rach.

"Nooooo!" Finn screamed, drawing a startled and confused Rachel into his chest and wrapping his arms protectively around her petite form. The shadows kept advancing, the slithering sound like something being dragged in the mud following in their wake. His eyes revolved around in fear at them all, watching with horror as faces shone in the mass. Cruel, blood-covered faces with wicked and mean smiles twisting their expressions into hideous caricatures.

"Finn, what's the matter?" Rachel's tone was now scared along with confused. Her voice was muffled as she spoke into his chest, though she struggled to break free of his strong grasp. Finn barely heard or felt her, drawing the two of them back as the shadows kept advancing.

Laughter rang now through air, mocking and triumphant. They were coming upon Rachel, long, clawed fingers grasping out towards her bare foot. Finn swept her aside with a cry and stomped his foot upon the shadow but nothing was there; the other shadows kept their approach.

"Go away! You can't take her!" The scream tore from Finn's throat in a roar, raw and ugly. Fear making him dizzy, nausea ripping into his stomach, tears clouding his vision, he barely could keep his hold upon Rachel as he kept backing away until he hit a tree, the edge cutting into his back painfully. The sky was dark and all he could see were the shadows, a black cloud of jeering faces and bloody palms.

"I'm fine, Finn! There's no one there!" Rachel's voice echoed in the shadows but Finn felt he was drowning in the seething blackness, the only comfort was her presence in his arms but that too was loosening as her form was struggling to break free.

"Rach!" Finn cried. Rachel was torn from him and his arms only filled with shadows, the darkness engulfing him as he fell to his knees. Screams and gunshots, blood and mud, they filled his senses as the dark dominated and he felt himself drowning. Tears streamed down his face, hands groping in the dark as he tried to find her. "No, you can't take her too. Not her, not Rachel..."

"It's okay, Finn. I'm right here." The words were loud and determined, cutting through the darkness and noise like a blade. Finn looked up to see light flare and the forest vanish to be replaced by his bedroom, the ceiling light turned on. Rachel, pale and scared, ran from the door back to his side; eyes large and filled with tears. "Are you okay, what's wrong?"

Finn, shaking and feeling sick, fell into Rachel's laps, tears cascading down his cheeks as he felt her warmth, her body, her presence, again. She wasn't gone, she was there and safe. Sobbing, all he could do was sit there and mutter, "Please, don't leave me. Don't take her away..."

He felt a pair of soft hands rub his short hair and wrap around his head. The touch of a delicate kiss. "I'll never leave you, Finn. Not now, not never. I love you."

**Sorry about the long wait, it's been so busy of late and time seems to be flying by so quickly! Please, don't hate me! I hope you're all well! Cookie for the one who guesses what Finn has first!  
**

**~Dreamy**


End file.
